Hey, 👋 it’s Kate.
This week, I wanted to share some ideas I’ve been thinking about regarding communication and what I’m calling physiological safety.
I think this is key to more connected, more trusted and more effective working relationships.
I conceptualize physiological safety as the feeling of being safe in your body, especially at work.
Feeling grounded, more connected to what you want, knowing how to get there and being more emotionally regulated. Sounds nice, eh?
One of the ways you think about this is discovering what your Antidote State is.
Let me explain.
One of my clients told me she felt constricted at work, like she was wooden and stiff.
When she’d describe to me how she was showing up and communicating, overwhelming feelings of constraint came through: her throat would close up, her shoulders would scrunch high near her ears and if she stood in front of a room, she’d feel rooted to the spot; unmoving and immobile.
I wanted to find what I thought of as an antidote state for her: how could we re-imagine a new mental state or posture to find a truer, freer feeling, a direct antidote for constriction or constraint?
Could we find a communicative mode where she felt more fluid? Where her words would flow easily and fluently?
When I invited her to describe what her aspirational state would look and feel like, she told me she craved a space where she could "comfortably share my thoughts, test hypotheses, be curious, and have free-flowing ideas", which I thought was such an elegant and beautiful articulation.
We ended up calling this a space of “relaxed curiosity with spacious knowledge" - an idea countering the feeling of constraint she was experiencing.
Once we had named this state, I asked her to practice 'stepping into it' each time she had a conversation or interaction at work: could she imagine herself in her new relaxed, spacious state and then proceed?
It might feel a little clunky at first (a relaxed, imaginative state? Oh please!), but it's been a small revelation for her.
A week or so later I got an email from her saying that this is the first time in a long while that she's been "enjoying conversations" and feels comfortable "voicing my thoughts, even the more confrontational and provocative ones". What a win! The physical constraint she experienced has vanished in favor of seeking out her curiosity.
Why an antidote state works so well is because there's something powerful in leaning into the idea of a mental state or posture in which you feel comfortable and then taking your most comfortable self into the meeting.
It's an immediately actionable and practical re-frame that helps us literally imagine or envision a new state and let it seep into our communication.
Invitation: Describe to yourself or someone else what your ideal communicative headspace might look or sound like. It might be an antidote to any current communicative issues you’re experiencing. Decide on a shorthand name for this space and remind yourself of it when you’re feeling under threat.
This week’s Dear Kate:
“Dear Kate,
I feel like I need to be more than perfect to be credible and not set expectations that I won’t deliver. This is really what gets in my head. As I do not believe I am perfect, I have a hard time exteriorizing assurance, and I have not yet found the formula to just feel comfortable without having to "over perform". “ - Natalia.
Answer:
Ahh the perfection conundrum. So many of us feel like we have to overperform to just perform, or to out-perfect the perfect ones. The first thing I’d suggest here is de-coupling credibility from perfection: the first can absolutely exist without the second. We can be credible and imperfect: we can maintain authority, and also need to seek out more answers.
E.g. “That’s a great question - I’m going to loop back with you after the meeting with more specific numbers.” = Credible and imperfect.
Perfection also isn’t an especially useful frame, because it makes us wait indefinitely for the right time. There definitionally isn’t a moment when we know everything or are 100% ready to meet the moment, so relying on perfect as the barometer can hamstring us, precluding us from taking opportunities or speaking up in the moment.
I’d love to hear what’s on your mind or if you have any questions you’d like me to answer in a future newsletter – or to tell me about your own antidote state, just hit reply, I’d love to hear from you.
See you next week,
Kate 💫
P.S. Here are more ways to connect with me
1. Come join the conversation with me on LinkedIn for more posts and videos.
2. Check my availability to do a coaching program or a keynote for your team.
3. Work with me 1:1. In my communications coaching practice, I love working with extraordinary, ambitious, and interesting operators. My current clients are leaders at some of the most interesting companies in the world. (Email me at kate (at) katemason.co).