How to respond to someone undermining themselves
What do you do if a colleague is undermining herself?
It's a question I've been asked by both men and women - how do I help her see her own value or stop diminishing it in front of others, and I love this question so much.
In part, because it shows careful listening and observing of others around us (mad communication skillz) but also because it shows genuine care for a colleague and a desire to help them succeed - both of which are my love languages!
So let's imagine the situation if this is a peer:
Woman: "I don't know if this is important, but…"
"Could I just take a second to walk you through X… - it won't take long" etc.
You: "Hey of course. And this sounds important, so let's give it the time it deserves and put some time in to talk it through together. How about this afternoon?"
If you can show a positive action (and not necessarily call out "Hey you were undermining yourself - stop doing that"), it provides psychological safety and space for that woman to bring herself to the meeting and show you what she's capable of.
This is such an enormous, practical vote of confidence: I promise you she will shine in that meeting.
If this person is your direct report, you might want to give them the feedback more explicitly:
Woman: "I'm so hopeless, I keep forgetting!" "I'm the worst!" etc
You: "Hey, I've noticed you have really negative self-talk about your work when you say XYZ and I wanted to call it out because you're doing great, and there's no need to preface the work with those caveats or disclaimers."
Have you experienced this, and what have you done to help the other person feel comfortable?
Love to hear from men on this one, especially.
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This week’s Dear Kate
Dear Kate,
How do I seek feedback on my communication at work? I think I'm doing an ok job but it's hard to know for sure.
-Alexandra
Dear Alexandra,
If you're even asking this question in the first instance, that's a great flag to me because it shows a lot of self-awareness.
You could overtly ask folks on your team some direct questions about it. Like:
-Is there a way I could communicate to you that would be more helpful than what I'm doing right now?
-Is there anything in my communication that feels frustrating or annoying? I'm really looking to grow in this area and would value your perspective.
Good luck!
Have a wonderful holidays - I'll see you in January with even more communications-fun for 2025,
Kate 💫
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